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everyday I fight a war against the mirror

I can't take the person staring back at me, I'm a hazard to myself

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Ripping, aching,
torn apart,
in your hands,
my tattered heart,

bleeding tears of charcoal black,
my feathered dreams are burning,
look now to my broken eyes,
my soul flushed red with yearning.

a shell, a shadow, barely there,
I'm your lingering disease,
and now and yet without you here.
I'm lost to winter's breeze.

darkness stretches out it's icy nails,
tearing at my throat,
I'm sinking in the smoky sea
without you to help me float.

emptiness stretches to fill my days,
I'm nothing without you,
I'm staring into the frosty greys,
on the canvas we painted blue.

written by despairation_x

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1) No eating after 7.30pm. It works. 2) Be in bed by 10:30

3) Never exceed 700 calories. 4) Weigh every morning. Write it down.

5) Record what I eat. And why. 6) work out at least three times a week for at least a half hour.

7) Get out of bed before 10 am 8) Drink at least 1 litre of water

9) Drink at least 2 cups of green tea

I have OFFICIALLY been diagnosed as Bulimic with Anorexic tendencies.
Most of my life I was considering myself EDNOS but today my therapist diagnosed me.
It took a long time to bring up my food issues and body weight problems....

I hate that all I think about is food, calories, what I'm going to binge on, and where I'm going to purge.
I hate that I tell myself "Today I will be strong! Today I will starve" or "today I will only have 400 calories" and I usually fail.
I ALWAYS feel like an epic failure.

My shrink said she's not surprised with how I feel, considering the lack of compassion and love and understanding from my mother.

I told her my whole life I have been put down.
From the time I was 13, coming home from school, grabbing a bag of chips and watching my soap and NOT having my mother tell me that I was getting a tad over weight, and to be careful, to all of a sudden I get told all the time how fat I am.
Having the kids in my school MOO at me as I walk down the hall.
Having the kids in my high school throw garbage at me and tell me to eat it like the fat piggy I am.
And 2 christmas' ago having my grandmother (R.I.P) telling me in front of my entire family "Jesus Christ have you ever gotten FAT!"
That's all I remember about the Christmas of 2007.
Being told how fat I am, and spending over an hour in my cousins bathroom crying.

And now my grandmother is dead, and that is my last memory of her.
Nice, isn't it?

So that's my story, in a nutshell.

On August 1st 2010, my husband's grandfather told me I was too heavy and needed to lose at least 50 pounds.
why do old people find it necessary to tell me how fat I am like I don't already know...?
It's bad enough I fight this battle every second of every day, but now this?

"I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can’t quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death."
— Marya Hornbacher (Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia)

"We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need."
— Marya Hornbacher
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